Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
