before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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