take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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