The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He has the fingertips of a God
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