I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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