it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So apparently I’m into choking now
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