Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
