Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
