After last night, I could never be a politician.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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