youre lurking in front of me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
