I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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