Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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