she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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