There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
