I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
