I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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