She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
