I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
