Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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