she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize
