if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
