My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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