i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think a kid would responsible me up
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
