why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
