Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I AM VODKA MAN
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize