I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
