Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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