Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
