quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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