im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
