I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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