what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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