Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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