is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
