if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize