remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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