seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
