Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
