if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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