I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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