Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
