DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
