Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
