About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
