Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
