I want you more than these girls want KFC
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
