you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
