I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
