My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
