I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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