I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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