really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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