guys are not supposed to queef...right?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
