He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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