I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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