I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
