I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
