So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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