I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
