There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
